From Brazil: The gentle doctor who was accompanying me had to go away and the new doctor on duty was a very rude one who came screaming that would do a vaginal examination and if I was not yet fully dilated would perform a caesarean!
But when measuring the baby’s heart beats it was all still normal. When the nurse did a VE I was 10 cm and I already could feel the head of my daughter, I even got to touch her hair. It was heavenly! I felt joy and bliss, because we were in the final stretch of our journey. While feeling the contractions I squatted on the bed in the bedroom already preparing myself for pushing.
Then the doctor decided to transfer me from that room to the delivery room, even against my will, because I was ready there, believing it would take only a few more contractions and she would be born. In vain I asked him not to disturb me, because at this time we women are not even allowed to give in to our bodies and are not heard at the time that our bodies give us signals!
Even on the wheelchair being taken to the delivery room I tried to position myself to follow the contractions of the pushing stage but they kept closing my legs and preventing me from proceeding to the nature call to give birth!
Imagine the scene of an exhausted “animal” repositioning herself to give birth? Or an athlete runner who was stopped near the end of the marathon and will have run all at once to reach the finish line? That’s how I felt …
Then already in the new room, when I finally encountered a comfortable posture, I felt the “ring of fire” through my vagina and whole body. I remember still hearing the heartbeats of my daughter, but they suddenly stopped on her way out and I despaired, using all my possible strength to help her birth.
She was born lifeless as she had a respiratory arrest. They still took her to the neonatal intensive care for resuscitation, meanwhile, I still heard lot of bullshit comments the doctor exchanged with the nurse as if I was not a live being who was there listening. And once more, against my will, he reached inside of me to extract my placenta. What deep pain!
A while later the paediatrician came back with the news that she had not survived and still saying a lot of bullshit as if I was to blame for her death. Without limits the cluelessness of the medical team!
This is my story, a birth that should be a magical moment turned into a battlefield with such a sad result.
Like so many other women, even if leaving the hospital with their children in their arms, I went through the medical traumas of such rampant violence. Very big egos and little love from the part of doctors who think they are God.
The only physical mark I still have is the melasma on the skin of my face.
I try finding comfort in nature where I access infinite and enchanted world of love .. Ah! If there was something to stop the thousand tears shed every day, the broken heart of a mother that saw you go through this life so fast! Oh! Flower of light Gayatri….I feel that empty space left by your non physical presence!”
Photos and journalism by Leticia Valverdes for A Beautiful Body Project. She is based in Brazil and the United Kingdom and runs the Birth Marks Project!