In the summer of 2007, I gave birth to a happy and healthy baby girl. This was a complete surprise, as I have endometriosis and my chances of conceiving were extremely low; but as we all know, nature finds a way and I would not change it for all the money in the world. For me, having a child has given my life purpose that I could not imagine living without. Fast forward to 2013, I was happily raising my daughter, who is just starting school and decided that while I get a break now during the day, it would also be a great time to give my body a break from birth control. Yet again, nature found a way and well…you know.
Fast Forward again, I am nine weeks pregnant and I felt physically great, but my intuition was telling my something was wrong. I decided to go to the hospital to have everything checked out. The doctor came in and told me my hormone levels were dropping and it could be a sign of a natural abortion. He told me to come back in 48 hrs and they would do an ultrasound followed and check my hormone levels. 48 hours passed and I was back at the hospital for blood work and an ultrasound. I was in the hospital waiting for the results of my tests with my husband by my side. After eight hours had passed and we were patiently waiting for the doctor to deliver the news the nurse walked in my room. I asked her when the doctor would be coming to talk to me and she then proceeded to tell me my baby “was dead” [sic]. I was devastated to say the least. I cried for three days straight. I felt like my body had failed the life inside me.
As time went by, I acted like the miscarriage didn’t bother me and I was determined to get pregnant again. Four months after my miscarriage, my prayers were answered. I was so happy but terrified at the same time. I never fully rejoiced this new life and soul growing inside my womb. I kept waiting for the ball to drop. I shared the news with only a few select people and didn’t announce I was pregnant until I was twenty one weeks along; over half way through my pregnancy. Looking back, it was one of the most miserable times in my life. I was incredibly ill throughout my entire pregnancy and extremely depressed. I never allowed my heart to be happy. I could not see that my miscarriage had robbed me of enjoying one of the most beautiful moments in my life. Finally, in the summer of 2014, I gave birth to my rainbow baby, a healthy baby boy. The moment I held him I felt my heart starting the path to healing and I stopped worrying about losing him, and now I am convinced that I am the happiest mother that ever lived.
As I conclude, I would like to share a quote by David Platt that succinctly captures my experience: ” There is a unique pain that comes from preparing a place in your heart for a child that never comes.” I will always hold a special place in my heart for the life lost in my womb, and I feel honored to share my story, allowing me to continue the healing process through these beautiful portraits by Jade Beall.