Since I Can Remember, I Have Been Keeping My Self Small: Hagar’s Story (Israel)

4 Posted by - October 15, 2015 - Motherhood, Self-Esteem, Self-Love, Weight
Hagar, by Jade Beall

Hagar, by Jade Beall

Hagar: I feel like I haven’t really told you about my journey with the amazing you and your pictures, of me.  So here I am…

 I have a friend, and once she gave an ‘Indian name’, it was ‘little voice’ (because I talk very quiet). Cute! And sad… and that is my story.

 Since I can remember myself, I have been hiding. Keeping my self small. Trying really hard not be seen…afraid that there is this huge thing inside me that is to much to handle. keeping my voice and my inner voice small.

 My body grew big (if you will see my family it just doesn’t make any sense how I am this tall and wide (I am pretty sure I am not using the right word…oh well).  My energy was noticeable, like someone who really loves me said once: I don’t really understand it, you are not the most pretty girl, pretty, but not stunning…and yet when you come into a room people notice you.

And my breast…oh my!

 So, my perception of me and my body was that I am physically too big. It doesn’t really matter what my weight was and it doesn’t matter how I looked I felt too big! Bigger then everyone else. Too heavy I can brake a chair, to big to handle. I drifted away from my beautiful smart body.

 It was this little me inside. This big body on the outside and a very strong feeling that there is nothing special about me. My body became stiffed, armored, and my mind and stomach started to hold so many thoughts and emotions that I didn’t let out. Stuck.

 Ironically, the more I hid and the more I was afraid  to be seen… the more I longed to be seen. I wanted people to see me, I want people to see the beauty in me, to see that I am special, to see me…but again, without me showing…

 I think, if I can count the ten best reasons our family journey to the states was amazing…one of them will defiantly be meeting you!

 I am so thankful I had the opportunity to be photographed by you! because your beautiful soul see’s beautiful in everything! and your ability to express so naturally and authentic…oh wow! that’s is my goal 🙂

 I felt you saw me. Naked. And for me naked is hard because you see all the physical things I never show and don’t like…being naked in front of your camera, for me, is letting you see me. Truly.

 And you saw me. And you made me feel pretty. You made me enjoy me and my body. I had the best time during the photo shoot! I felt connected to my body. I felt special in my own way.

 And then came the pictures…you did an amazing job! now it was my turn…

 At the beginning it was hard for me to look at my pictures. The immediate thought was that I can’t look at them because my body is not perfect. But that is what I am used to thinking. But when I look into my heart…and the pictures. what was really hard for me to see was this stiffed body I have created, this armor, in order not to be seen. those eyes that have this conflict look…please see me and please don’t…

 That was just the beginning of this.  Because since then I feel that I am letting my inner self show.  I allow my self to be seen more and more, in little steps everyday.

 Now when I look at the pictures I love them deeply! I embrace my journey, I forgive myself, I know that choosing that way was the only way I could. but now I can say goodbye to my armor.

Hagar, by Jade Beall

Hagar, by Jade Beall

Hagar, by Jade Beall

Hagar, by Jade Beall

Hagar, by Jade Beall

Hagar, by Jade Beall

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