When my husband and I finally decided to have children, we knew wanted several kids. But of course things never turn out the way you want them to be. Prior to becoming pregnant with Grace, I’d had several early miscarriages and learned I have a bicornuate uterus, ovarian cysts, and endometriosis. I knew it would be difficult to become pregnant naturally, and we started to look into adoption.
But that’s when God blessed us with Grace. We were cautiously optimistic as
the pregnancy went on. I remember talking to my mom about the pregnancy
around the 8-10 week mark. At first, she was worried about my pregnancy
given what had happened before. But during the phone call, she was suddenly
blessed with a profound vision and declared that “you will have a daughter,
and you shall name her Grace.” Of course it was too early to know the
baby’s sex. What was truly amazing was that my mom didn’t know I had
already decided to name my daughter Grace if I had a girl. So when my ultrasound
showed that we’ll have a baby girl, we knew that Grace was meant to be.
Grace came early at just after 31 weeks. We brought her home after 5 weeks
in the NICU. We figured that it would be easy to get pregnant again so Grace
would have siblings. But things didn’t happen as we hoped.
I suffered several more early miscarriages and even two ectopic pregnancies
requiring emergency surgeries to remove both of my fallopian tubes. After
that, we attempted two rounds of IVF – both were unsuccessful. At this
point, we had given up the possibility of having another biological child.
What is most difficult is when people who don’t know my story would
innocently ask if I plan to have another child so Grace can have a sibling.
I would casually explain that I cannot have another child due to
infertility. I don’t want them to feel guilty for asking the question so I
smile bravely and downplay the situation even though my heart is always
filled a sense of loss.
When I look in the mirror, I see the many scars of motherhood – both
physical and hidden. Though I still feel sad that I cannot have another
biological child, I’m always deeply grateful for the gift of motherhood.
I’m proud of the biggest scar I have – the one that forever symbolizes the
miracle that is my daughter, Grace.
Thank you for reading my story.
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