My Angel, My Almost Baby: Emily’s Story

2 Posted by - June 5, 2015 - Miscarriage
A Beautiful Body Project | Jade Beall

Photo by Jade Beall

In early August of 2013, as I was headed out of town, I experienced some spotting/bleeding that wasn’t normal for me. As soon as I got back, I went in to see the doctor about it. Just as they were about to brush me off, the pregnancy test confirmed that I was pregnant for my third time and I was sent to the ER. At the ER, the ultrasound showed no evidence of a baby so it was assumed that I had already miscarried and I was instructed to follow up with an OB.

After tests at the OB confirmed that my hormone levels were in fact rising instead of going down as they should after a miscarriage, I was subjected to many tests, ultrasounds, and doctor/hospital visits to try and find the reason that my levels were increasing, but there was no sign of a baby in my uterus. All the while, I was never given an estimated due date, couldn’t see my baby on the ultrasounds, nothing. It was an emotional roller coaster of ‘there’s a baby’, ‘there’s not a baby’.
A Beautiful Body Project | Jade Beall

Photo by Jade Beall

After a few weeks, the doctors had no choice but to assume it was an ovarian ectopic since they saw what they assumed was the embryo attached to my right ovary (which later turned out was a benign ovarian cyst). I was subjected to Methotrexate injections that I didn’t want, so that the drug would “break down ‘the mass'” that was inside of me and I’d be all done with this ordeal and avoid surgery.

The methotrexate injection didn’t take in time however, and I went to the ER Sept 17th after blacking out in my bedroom. They said there was nothing abnormal in the ultrasound and sent me home. The next day however, I kept having ‘attacks’, shoulder pain, and other symptoms of internal bleeding that I didn’t realize at the time were in fact just that. The night of Sept 18th, I had a friend drive me to the ER at a different hospital and was eventually told after an ultrasound and MRI that I was in fact bleeding internally, my fallopian tube had ruptured and I needed surgery and a blood transfusion immediately. After surgery I was told that it had ended up being my left fallopian tube that had ruptured and was removed.

It was a very emotionally exhausting experience that left me feeling so empty, with no answers, no substantial proof that my baby was ever there. I had no emotional support and felt very lost. Those I thought would understand, swept it under the rug and tried to distract me, or remind me that I was lucky enough to have two daughters already and I should focus on them.. which added guilt to the myriad of feelings I was dealing with.
A Beautiful Body Project | Jade Beall

Photo by Jade Beall

 I didn’t get to feel you kick, or look into your eyes.
I didn’t hold you in my arms, or hear your little cry.
I didn’t get to see your smile, or even know your name.
But, you’ll always be my baby and I love you just the same – Unknown author
Sometimes, late at night, my mindwanders to you and I let it play out. 
I wonder how big you would have been, what you’d look like, and which personality traits you would have.
I imagine what it would be like to get to hold you, watch you crawl, kiss your cheek as you sleep.
I run my fingers across the tiny scars on my tummy, knowing the could never compare to the scar on my heart, but they signify your existence. 
I hope you are somewhere full of love and light, keeping watch over your big sisters and knowing just how much I will always love you. 
My angel, my almost, my baby. – Emily Ruiz
A Beautiful Body Project | Jade Beall

Photo by Jade Beall

No comments

Leave a reply